I often forget that I'm a grown up. I know, you'd think the baby would tip me off to my adulthood, but no. I have definitely hit the point where I can understand where people are coming from when they say, "but I don't feel [insert age]." When people say that they are visualizing how they saw people their age when they were ten years younger and lacking the slow trek that brought them to their current age and has changed them from the person they used to be. I recently took a look back on my own trek and discovered a very personal change that I have experience several times now. Each time it has happened marks a growth in who I am and who I've made room to love. Allow me to take a moment to talk with you about my zombie preparedness plan.
My zombie preparedness plan has gone through many changes, and I originally wrote this post with a detailed explanation of it's evolution, but then it was really long and I figured none of you wanted to read all that, so here is the nutshell version. I have people whom I love spread across Northern California, should the zombies begin to spawn here I have choices to make about who I would try to get to to form my band of post-apocalyptic survivors. The biggest changes were the people I would round up, and the order I would get them in. I couldn't tell you the exact date when it happened, but at some point a little alarm went off inside me alerting me to the fact that should the end come I needed to find Jeff,even if that meant making risky decisions to search for him. I had gotten nice and comfortable with this notion and for a long time my zombie preparedness plan remained basically the same. Then something crazy happened. We had a baby, and I understood that if it came down to Claire or Jeff's survival I would pick Claire. Ouch.
It's a strange moment when you realize that you would abandon your spouse to save your child. I don't love Jeff any less than I did before Claire was born, in fact, I love him more than ever. I also don't love Claire any more than I love Jeff. I would leave Jeff behind because I believe that when we became parents something primal changed within us that put her safety above our own. We made a little life and it's our job out of love for her, and love for one another, to protect her. I would consider it an act of love for Jeff to leave him behind if it meant saving her because I know that would be the choice he would want me to make for our family. I'm not saying I would shoot him in the leg to distract the zombies from chasing Claire and me, but if a zombie hoard broke into the house and started attacking Jeff, I would grab Claire and run.
I don't think there is anything uncommon about this revelation. I imagine this is how most parents feel, but when you experience it yourself it's a little unsettling. I also imagine most people don't think of this change in terms of zombies, but I am who I am. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go make sure our zombie packs are all ready to go. Stay vigilant.
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